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jelewis8 — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 08:09:40 +0000

I’ve nearly had it with people who put the kind of car they drive on their license plates. In fact, my disgust with these kinds of people goes beyond my dislike for the jerks who put those “My kid is an honor roll student at Milk Dud High School” stickers on their bumpers. Like we care!
No, I’m not some mean old man who’s grown bitter and tired of the world. In fact I am a young man who’se grown bitter and tired of the world (on Tuesdays, at least). I find both practices patently offensive to intelligence, common sense, and rules of nomenclature. We know you have a Dodge Viper because it says so in chrome letters on your bum. Is there really a need to reassure me that you do indeed have a Dodge Viper by putting VIP3R on your license plate?
The fact that you used a 3 for the E means that some other idiot already took VIPER. That should have been your first clue that this would wind up on some anonymous blogger’s site. If you read Time Magazine (which you don’t, you’re not the type, I can tell by your license plate), you’d know that bloggers are a powerful force. We can wreck your life. You don’t want to get on our bad side.
Your second clue should have been the look the DMV lady gave you when you requested that sequence of letters. Those DMV clerks can smell pathetic before you even take a number, and believe me, they smelled it on you like cheap cologne from Bath and Body Works:
Looking for an enhancer for that lame Emo bullcrap you call a persona? This time, wrap yourself in the alluring scent of Loser. This whiny, freshman underoo cologne combines the irritating musk of your first failed sports tryout, the dungpile fragrance of all of your romantic failures, and a mealy-mouth, butt-kissing office jockey stench that will surely leave you breathless with pathetic gasps for air through your tiny, malformed lung tissue. It debuts on your birthday — to commemorate the day the world’s biggest wiener was born — and will be available in any cheap outlet store or your favorite body care and home fragrance essentials shop. When you want to smell like you, choose to Lose with Loser Scent and accompanying soaps and shampoo.
The last clue, and most glaringly obvious one, was the fact that you thought it was a good idea to put VIP3R on your license plate. What have I told you before? Any thought that starts with “I think this would be a good idea” should immediately be jailed, sentenced, and then drawn and quartered in a very public ceremony that will leave all other stupid thoughts quaking in mortal fear of being sent up the pike in a similar style. Get it!?
Now when it comes to vanity plates, one must approach with care and caution. Not every vanity plate must be funny, but it should be a socially viable message, ie. one that most of the driving populace can “get” and appreciate, if not admire. This means no plates with your initials and those of your lover/partner/driving instructor. I’m serious. It must contain the most amount of information in the space provided, and must be clever. In other words, B0BSCKS is lame.
TI 3V0M, on the other hand, is exceedingly clever, as the full weight of its message is only appreciated when looking at it in the rear view mirror.
When possible, you must form a vanity plate that contains multiple meanings. Entendres are clever, as are personal intents that become, by dint of social perceptions, jokes and teasers.
Here’s one I like: NDFLMKR
There’s two, maybe even three legitimate conclusions you could draw from this plate. It’s got mystery, but also style and a sense of confidence that proves that the driver of this car–a 1990 Honda Civic, in this case–isn’t afraid to bare his passion, his soul, and possibly his body in pursuit of the noble art of cinema. Or it might just be that he’s from North Dakota. Alas, neither of those explanations is true (there is a third alternative), but are examples of a private life becoming a public joke.
I won’t tell you how I know all this, I’ll just say that one gets more questions regarding said license plate in parking lots and at traffic lights than you will believe.
All this is to say: if you’re going to remind us all what kind of car you drive by putting the make and model of it on the license plate, don’t be surprised if you find yourself the subject of ridicule on some guy’s website somewhere. If you’re contemplating making this socially suicidal move, just think:
It could be you. And you really, really don’t want it to be you.

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YR L1CNS 1S RTRDD