» Fringe Blog – Writing on Film, Culture, and Things on the Fringe

Battling Microbe Minions

jelewis8 — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 00:13:06 +0000

I think I’ve got the bubonic plague. All the symptoms are there, except for the rat bites, the swollen lymph nodes, the raging epidemic sweeping through the streets, and of course, the death. So it might just be a cold. Weird. I feel like I’ve written these words before. That’s the danger with blogging for years. You never know when you’re going to lapse into a spate of blog déjà vu. So let me run a search to see if I’ve committed this somewhat spurious act.
Back. Whewww. Safe. A search revealed I had only used the word “bubonic” once before, and it was in reference to an imaginary conversation between Hades’ customer support line and a recent denizen. I guess it feels worse than it really is, though when you’re sick, you’ve never felt worse in your life, no matter how badly you’ve had it before. Every breath is a burden. Every moment is actually the glorious exhibition of a microbe’s life-sucking force. This tiny being can knock you off your feet and completely incapacitate you, but even more amazing, it can temporarily rewrite your entire outlook on life. There are times when you just want to die, and those moments are completely understandable. Sleeping helps. It’s the span of time during a sickness that you get to cheat the system a bit. It’s like playing a Nintendo game with the Game Genie to get past stupid levels that you never liked in the first place.
Not that I ever had a Nintendo. It took me almost twenty-one years for me to acquire one. When I was a kid I not only wasn’t allowed to play video games, but I didn’t even have a television. I used to get grounded whenever my parents (read: dad) found out I played video games at friends’ house. I got pretty good about hiding that fact, but sometimes the overwhelming joy of manipulating sprite-based characters into running, jumping, and throwing fireballs at walking mushroom men was too much for me to contain. But I always promised myself I’d get a Nintendo. In fact, I remember making a solemn vow to myself that I’d get one in college. When you’re a kid, the pinnacle of greatness is in the immediate, the physical, the here-and-now. I never imagined that Nintendo 64 would supplant the regular Nintendo as the console to rule over all other consoles. I never imagined the Playstation, or its successor, or any of the other myriad consoles that have come out over the years.
So it was with great joy that I found myself in college, just moved into my first real apartment (boy, you really and truly grow up on the day you move into your first apartment), having visited the thrift store and found, among the used underwear (Ewwww!) and old cookbooks from 1973, a vintage Nintendo. This was something too good to pass up. Plus it was only five dollars. I knew I’d surpass that five bucks in playing pleasure many times over.
I only ever owned two games for that Nintendo. One was the ubiquitous Super Mario Bros. The other was Hudson’s Adventure Island, a game I recall playing all night over at a school buddy’s house one time in fourth grade. These things stick with you. I never got past the first three levels, ever. I was never much good at video games, precisely because I wasn’t allowed to practice at them. And so countless hours of my childhood were never wasted.
Such a shame.
Well, I’m off to do battle with the Microbes Minions and assert my creature dominance. I’m a human being–the ruling species on this planet! I will not be defeated by tiny particulates with cell-invading abilities! That’s what I tell myself, anyway.

Credit Fraud

jelewis8 — Tue, 13 Jun 2006 21:00:46 +0000

I had my first experience with credit card fraud this morning. Some tricky prankster charged over $1300 to my American Express account in a Las Vegas leather shop on Saturday, just over two hours after I spent just over $100 on groceries at Ralphs in Culver City. It may not seem like a frightening thing to you, but think about it: if the charge had gone through and AMEX hadn’t suspected it was a bogus purchase, I’d have almost a grand and a half worth of leather goods in my name and nothing to show for it. How disappointing would that be? I guess it would be pretty difficult for me to be in Culver City and then in Las Vegas two hours later, which might be how the charge got flagged. That or they realized I’m not gay or female. But mostly not gay. Er…or female.
I’m pretty conscientious about my accounts. I check them constantly for unauthorized purchases, and in fact have been dealing with one merchant who keeps charging my card even though I canceled my account with them. After four months of negotiating with the merchant and credit card company, I finally got the account closed and a new card issued. Better luck tomorrow, stupid unresponsive merchant!
In the meantime, I am in talks with a guy, we’ll call him a Producer, about writing a sitcom pilot. The good thing is I’ve been writing my own sitcom show, so I’ve got the basics down, plus I like to think I have something funny to say about 85% of the time I’m breathing, not factoring in sleep, though I understand that I occasionally talk in my sleep. Who knows what gems are popping out of my subconscious. Actually, I am not sure it’s such a good idea to find that particular information out. My philosophy is, never wear spandex and never visit a dream therapist. Together, these two activities can form a lethal band of suckitude around your very existence, eventually rendering you a stocky, balding, occasionally funny man.
Anyway, sitcom. I have no doubt that I could write a decent sitcom script, given a few weeks and some Mountain Dew and chocolate donuts. Not that I watch much television. I feel my life is better spent watching DVDs of TV shows, which actually reduces actual television watching time by about 22%, since one is not made to sit through commercials. I’m hopelessly attached to the screen once a show is on, though, which is why it’s very bad for me to start a new disc of a boxed set–I’m liable to watch every episode on that disc straight through. I recently experienced this phenomenon with Season One of Arrested Development, which was provided by Greg Piper in a dutiful and capitalistic exchange of goods for services. You’ll notice his website is now completed (a few tweaks aside, it’s done).
So I’m hoping that becomes a reality. In the meantime, progress on Book 2 of The Cold Goodbye continues. It’s really become a rock solid story, much more so than Book 1, which was more setup than anything else, and it requires a lot of wading to get to the good stuff. But taken together (once complete), I think the book will be like a full meal, with an appetizer and some bread to start with, leading to the exquisite main course, which involves hypnosis, parasites, earthquakes, and futuristic video detective work. I think you, Yes you!, might even enjoy it.
Onward and upward, I always say. See you tomorrow.

The Definition of Childhood Disappointment

jelewis8 — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 17:53:22 +0000

Eating a bowl of Kix today (Kid Tested, What Mothers Don’t Know Won’t Hurt ‘Em), I noticed that it wasn’t a whole lot upon completion. About as much as a piece of toast. Not that I scientifically tested this, though I’d say my mouth and stomach are as good measuring devices as anything else in the Scientific Method spectrum. I then followed this up with a bowl of Rice Krispies–not even the cheap knock off brand that has hippos instead of elves dancing around the bowl, one of them snapping its fingers (When you’re a Jet…), the second blowing bubbles, and the third smoking crack rock in an 80′s era discoteque. Rice Krispies has the molecular density of nimbus clouds, which isn’t to say they (it?) aren’t satisfying when consumed by the bowlful. In fact, one of my favourite things to do as a kid with Rice Krispies (back then we did have the cheap knockoff brand, though instead of hippos, we had vaguely crispy looking shapes of unpuffed wheat nodules with eyes–I guess they updated for the 90′s)–anyway, one of my favourite things to do with the cereal was to dump a spoonful of sugar into the middle of a pile of Krispies that hadn’t been soaked by milk yet, and then dunking the whole thing under, I would take it up in my spoon and swallow what had become a large mass of sugary Krispies, like a black hole of sweetness from which no kid can escape.
I love cereal. It’s evident that I may even carry an obsession with it, though I would counter with asking how many times you’ve thought about your favourite breakfast food in a manner that sometimes defies logic and reason. Thinking back, cereal was what grounded me as a kid. Not education, not playing backyard baseball with the neighbourhood friends, not cleaning the chicken coop every two weeks (oh the smell!). No, cereal was what centered me and shaped me and defined my being. You know how they talk about the salad days, they being “they”?
For me, childhood was the cereal days, the days of plenty and happiness, like the prosperous times of a Laura Ingalls Wilder book. If eating our vegetables was what gave us character, eating cereal is what defined that character and molded it into something great.
Growing up, I never had the sweet cereals. Mom didn’t believe in sweet cereals–not like she didn’t believe in monsters or didn’t believe they existed–no, she didn’t believe they should exist. It was the reigning breakfast cereal theology: Thou shalt have no sugary cereals. Even the exotic cereals she would buy occasionally, that did have a hint of honey (never sugar, always honey, as if honey covered over a multitude of calories), cereals such as Granola or Puffed Wheat, were always saturated with such “health” that we kids rarely forayed into those dark woods.
It was only desperation that drove us to taste the health cereals, that or extreme excitement at the possibilities that maybe, just maybe, she had tripped up and accidentally bought a sweet cereal by mistake. I’m talking about Grape Nuts here, people. I’d almost be willing to bet that at least 75% of you who first saw the box of Grape Nuts sitting on the table thought it was a sugary cereal. Its packaging has changed somewhat, so it doesn’t have quite the same effect now, but back then, it was total kid deception. Bright colors, the possibility of grape flavouring, and the red lettering that no one would suspect as masking the complete flavourlessness of this Hell-Cereal. Indeed, looking back, there was only one dead giveaway, something nearly all healthy cereals had–a small box. Maybe if I had been more observant, I wouldn’t have been suckered in.
Sorry for the lack of posts the last two days. I’ve been pretty busy with other things, and I’d rather leave the table empty than set out a rotten course. Hopefully regular and interesting posting will resume. See you tomorrow.

Fringecast 7

jelewis8 — Mon, 01 May 2006 07:00:18 +0000

Delving deep into the roots of Fringeblog, we’ve got an exciting and yet another controversial Fringecast for you, dealing with the devisive political issues tearing this country in two–namely, political fundraising phonecalls and their polarizing effect on everyday average Joes like you and me and Joe Blum. If you have ever wondered which way the toilet seat sanitary cover goes, you no longer have to guess and make a fool (and a mess) of yourself in a public place. And our solution to the debates over evolution and environmental concerns are both addressed and solved, all under five minutes.
Fringecast 7 (direct link) awaits your curious ears. Here’s the iTunes Fringecast feed, and the XML feed can be accessed directly.
Previous episodes are on the sidebar, as usual. I’m also supposed to put up a link to the Podshow Podsafe Network, so as to avoid the odious and stern glare of the MP3 overlords, so there you go. Also, for the latter half of the show, here’s Isaac Asimov’s The Last Question.

Zombie Threat Rejuvenates In Merch Attacks

jelewis8 — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 00:48:43 +0000

Red State won the award for Best Sound at the Progeny Festival of Motion Pictures on Saturday, which was a surprise. If it was going to win anything, I would have predicted an editing or possibly directing award, but having not seen any of the other entries, and with my main representative having failed to attend most of the festival, I am left in the dark as to the competition. Oh well. I guess this means I can put the ubiquitous laurel parentheticals on future marketing materials.
Speaking of which, Red State is available for purchase on DVD! Only $9 (which includes shipping), this DVD features a heaping of undead special features and top notch artwork (newly updated with aforementioned laurels) packaged inside clear plastic, sleekly designed Jewelbox cases.
Interestingly enough, at the same time, I was busy being a “featured extra” in a zombie mockumentary called American Zombie. It wasn’t a memorable experience, except that afterward, I forgot to get reimbursed for parking costs. That’s five bucks I’ll probably never see again.
Check that, I just received an email confirming that if I bring my receipt in to the production office, I can get reimbursed. That’s forty-five minutes (with traffic) there, forty-five back. Gas expenditure cost: $3.25 (exaggerated estimate). Worth it? Maybe if I’m in the area. Otherwise, I might as well avoid buying a medium latte and a bagel for a day and call it even.
I’m trying to get an invitation to the MTV Movie Awards show, which will be occurring on June 3, to be aired on June 8. There’s a fairly decent chance I can get in, through my film review connections, and since it’s being held at Sony Studios next door, I won’t have to pay for parking. And that, my friends, is always a good thing.
Last week I had the good fortune of visiting Los Angeles Center Studios with Jeff Bartsch. We met one of the co-founders and head of the studio, Brian Brosnan, who expressed interest in working together on something in the future. Who knows what that might mean for us, but Jeff and I are working to get some content together and begin the process of developing some projects together. Not specifically for a partnership with the studio, but as a way to gather some key personnel together and to establish industry legitimacy on our own terms, instead of waiting for a bone throwing occurrence. We shall see how that plays out in the coming months, but it is enough to say that I am excited about the opportunities this opens up for me, not only because it is a chance for me to continue to write, but I also feel that I am slowly meeting the right people who will one day form my core group of co-conspirators.
All in all, good things are happening, and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I received a phone interview this morning. Hopefully one of the dozen or so applications I’ve submitted will result in a well-paying position. So far, I haven’t been reduced to applying for work at the Rocco Club for Women’s Typewriter Maintenance Shop. If it does go down like that, you know I’ll be drinking another double and moaning about how much I regret not learning all of Selectric’s options.
Got some new links up on the sidebar. Check out Hot Air, Michelle Malkin’s new Internet television venture. I’ve applied to be a producer for them, though that’s unlikely to happen. Even so, check it out. And I will see you tomorrow.

Zombies, Moving, and Fashion Statements

jelewis8 — Tue, 21 Jun 2005 21:37:33 +0000

Just when you find yourself disappointed at George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead trailer, another trailer for a new zombie film comes out to make your heart sing with syrupy tunes.
There’s some pretty excellent zombie movies coming out this year. I guess last year’s Dawn of the Dead made executives realize that zombies, unlike westerns, are back in style. People like the idea of a contagion that wipes out humanity. It’s our way of ridding the earth of, well, let’s face it, a lot of bad people, without having to use MOAB and feeling guilty about having dropped a huge freaking bomb on a faceless enemy. With zombies, you don’t feel guilty–heck, if anything, you get a visceral thrill out of braining some screaming monkey man who looks vaguely like Dan Rather. If zombie movies don’t tap into that primordial desire to get the better of your next door neighbour, then I’m not sure what good they are.
But they do, so I can rest easy. But maybe you can’t.
Moving plans continue apace. Los Angeles is about preparation. It’s about funding. It’s about realizing that it’s almost July and you still haven’t a place to live out there. That either means that something will fall into our laps or we’ll have to continue to dig through the wasteland of Craigslist (the occasional oasis makes the searching worthwhile). I won’t ever let apartment/house quests bother me because honestly, there’s only so much you can do in a saturated market.
That being said, if anyone has any leads, I’d be happy to field them…
I wanted to write a post about how nearly every mistake humankind now knows and suffers for could be traced back to the 1970′s, but it seemed a bit heavyhanded. After all, there’s the whole “eating the forbidden fruit” thing that’s been quite a hassle, and the French Revolution was just one gigantic pile of poo posing as human achievement. But on the whole, you really need to say two words, which sums up the 70′s and its lasting and shameful mark: polyester suits.
How did we go from debonair and classy getups from the 1950′s to the sodden and predictable ogre-appeal fashion of the 70′s? Honestly, I can only think of a couple of plausible reasons that don’t involve large quantities of mind-altering substances, untested nuclear power, or Billy Joel, and they’re just not convincing enough to make me believe that fashion designers actually thought they were doing the world a favour when they introduced Nehru shirts. And I haven’t even gotten into hippie-wear.
And what exactly can you say with a 3-4″ wide tie that you can’t say with a thin 1-1.5″ tie? Nothing. Which explains the ethos of the 70′s–excessive, overbearing, harsh and aggressive without a hint of humanity. Not to mention the bizarre haircuts and “manscaping” (if you can call it that–I’ve seen hedges with better sense of proportion). I suppose we should thank the Beatles, who not only set trends in fashion and social sensibilities, but broke the bank on corrupting the seemingly incorruptible. Who would have thought that ultra-wide collars and perv mustaches would have mass appeal? Turns out they don’t; people in the 70′s were just too coked up to realize.
Today’s business-casual attire has inherited the excess of the 70′s, and added to it the mistakes of the early 80′s as well. The 90′s were forgettable, which in this day and age, is actually a point in its favour. In a world of unlimited memory, data files stretching back eons, it’s nice to forget occasionally.
Especially when it comes to polyester suits.
UPDATE: I just realized that the trailer link above *seems* to point to a legitimate, big-budget zombie movie, and therefore might not seem worth viewing…but it is, in fact, merely my own humble addition to the zombie film universe. Enjoy!

Going Slowly Crazy

jelewis8 — Tue, 12 Apr 2005 20:53:20 +0000

Here’s an example of why Instant Messenging is so bad for you. It makes you think and write stupid things…

abe0essejnet: Fruits and sugars might be a problem for people. That boysenberry topping could’ve done it.
abe0essejnet: I’ve never spelled boysenberry before today.
ndflmkr: i can tell. it’s boisenberry
abe0essejnet: You’re wrong beeoch.
ndflmkr: so i am
ndflmkr: although, it looks like boisenberry is an alternate spelling
abe0essejnet: Guess you hadn’t ever spelled it either. :-)
abe0essejnet: I prefer the Michael Jackson spelling.
ndflmkr: yeah, i was going to say your spelling just looks wrong on several levels
ndflmkr: at least with my spelling, you avoid lawsuits
abe0essejnet: MJ’s all about boys ‘n their berries.
abe0essejnet: Ew.
ndflmkr: i should write about this on fringe
abe0essejnet: You should.
abe0essejnet: Funny.

So I here it is, for your reading displeasure and a general lowering of your IQ. I feel dumber by at least 20 points.
I’ve had my creative hands full the last few days. I just finished the first draft of my newest feature script early this morning, and I’ve got a screenwriter friend reading through it for some feedback. Fastest turnaround time on a script: from inception to completion was not quite two months. And this whilst in the middle of putting together Zero Sum. So, I’m very pleased with that.
I advised one my friends to apply for the Pope position. I hear they recently had one open up. Apparently, one does not need to be a priest, cardinal, or bishop to be eligible. Unfortunately, he’s not Catholic (though he is a man, fulfilling one of the only two eligibility requirements), so it wouldn’t fly past our collective imaginations in practice.
We decided the complete opposite candidate for the position of Pope would have to be a Black Jewish Lesbian. What?
And it’s about time for me to get a shower. Wheww! 8:00 came awfully early this morning!

School to Guardsman: Pay Up!

jelewis8 — Thu, 04 Mar 2004 22:02:23 +0000

What is up with this crap?

GRAND RAPIDS — A Michigan school district told a teacher activated for military duty that he must cover the cost of a substitute during part of his absence and give the district some of his military pay.

How is that even, you know, legal? Isn’t military duty covered by state salary contracts? At any rate, if National Guardsmen were treated like this back in say, 1972, then it’s not hard to understand why Bush might have wanted out.
(Ed. I guess that’ll have to pass for humour on this blog.)

Connected?

jelewis8 — Tue, 16 Dec 2003 21:41:44 +0000

No connection between Saddam and the “insurgent” fighting. Nope. None whatsoever. Oh, except for this tidbit:

Beginning then, the Chicago native’s brigade rousted some of Saddam’s relatives in Tikrit. Some had been financing the insurgency that was just heating up against the American occupation. Others had been active combatants in the guerrilla war.

Hmmm. I guess this debunks the leftie theory of Saddam having nothing to do with the attacks on our troops. They just keep looking more and more ridiculous, day after day.
Read the whole article.

The New, Improved Democratic Economy

jelewis8 — Tue, 04 Nov 2003 22:11:24 +0000

This article, dated January 7, is about the Democrats’ plan for tax relief, which included a $300 rebate for “virtually every working American,” and notes that it is in response to Bush’s proposed tax relief. According to Nancy Pelosi, Bush’s plan “would not have a stimulative effect and would not create jobs.”

The new Democratic leadership team under incoming Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi of California criticized the Bush plan, saying it would not provide an economic stimulus in 2003 when one is needed, and would reward high-income taxpayers.

The economy is on a rebound, GDP is up, jobless claims are down, and the stock market is gaining ground. I guess this was all in Clinton’s gameplan for after he left office. So glad it worked out.