The short film has a title: “The Canal,” which is everything you don’t expect from a movie with that kind of title. It’s a throwaway title, a gimme title, a title that sort of says everything and nothing at the same time. I know none of this makes sense without the script in your hands, but trust me, it’s a solid.
Speaking of solids, I recently read a brochure, pamphlet, advertisement, propaganda–what-have-you–about colonic cleansing. The famous “25 Ways To Have The Cleanest Bowels” rag by Dr. Schulze, whose picture on the back brazenly points at the camera, index finger and curled, fat, German fist out of focus, his eyes raging with the fire of righteous anger against colon-rectal disease. That’s right America. Dr. Schulze wants you to detoxify your colon NOW. Consider yourself screwed unless you start pooping forty times a day, and that’s only going to happen with his special Formula #1. An insert near the back exclaims “Never underestimate the HEALING POWER of Colon Cleansing.”
Trust me, I wouldn’t dare. With his picture, like a German Charlton Heston mixed with a Road to Wellville vibe, there’s no way I’d ever cross that man. He’s very insistent that American colons are the most abused organs on the planet. He apparently traveled around the world to observe and investigate ancient cultures who lived a simpler life by eating ants, with the sole purpose of extracting some theory about why Americans don’t go to the bathroom as often as they should. It turns out, eating ants and grass and such simple foods will cause one to…um, evacuate within thirty minutes of eating, and the result is not a hard lump, but a sludge that comes out with minimal fuss and no strain, which often leads to aneurisms or heart problems for Americans.
Dr. Schulze has taken these primitive culture eating programs and distilled them into pill form, which he calls Intestinal Formula #1 and #2. This is the gift America gives to itself–pills to simulate the grassy, savannah lifestyle of our primitive cousins, which according to him, has the effect of re-animating the zombified corpse of your colon.
Needless to say, I am not going to go on the Pill, mostly because I’m really fine with my bowels and their current schedule of movements. Dr. Schulze named several examples of the usual number of times typical Americans have a bowel movement, and I’m well above the national average. Which I am sure you wanted to know.
Talk about a way to end the week. I’m holding auditions tomorrow for the two female roles in “The Canal.” Real actresses will be there. This could be something big. More next week.