2006 rose from the ashes of 2005 like a sphinx (well, what else would rise from the ashes?) and promptly sat around for twelve months watching television. It was quite simply the laziest year on record. And that includes 1937, in which depressed Americans, poor, hungry, tired, and huddled, decided they’d had enough of being poor, hungry, tired, and huddled, and simply sat around waiting for the economy to recover. Which it did three years later when the Nazis, taking it upon themselves to end the ridiculous global deflation, started murdering Jews, gypsies, and hobos. This naturally got women and Democrats upset, and they began pouring money into the bullet and tobacco industries.
But that was then.
2006 had no such resurgence in nationalism. American Idol continued to annoy the crap out of non-American Idol viewers, OJ Simpson managed to keep his name in the news, while Michael Jackson stayed mostly out of the news, and Saddam Hussein got hanged and refused to rise from the dead, proving once and for all he’s not the frickin’ Anti-Christ. The economy improved, or didn’t, depending on whether you believe George W. Bush is the Devil/Anti-Christ.
In the world of sports, some teams won that some people didn’t want to win, but others did, and likewise, the opposite also occurred. Technology continued its inevitable march toward ultimate Skynet domination, culminating in a cell phone that actually started its own S-Corporation, buying Google then selling its stock to the Sultan of Brunei. 2006 was the year of the African baby, which was more popular than the newly redesigned Tickle-Me-Elmo. Madonna and Brangelina got in on the poverty baby craze, proving that rich people can actively affect the lives of one or two people at most. Lindsay Lohan gained on Paris Hilton for “most whorishly unlikeable person ever” and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes bought seven pounds of Indian rice and curry, shaped it into an infant-like shape, and called it Suri.
In books, James Frey’s Million Little Pieces was discovered to be a fabrication after gaining widespread popularity on Oprah’s Book Club selection list. This enabled him to gain even more notoriety and fame, and book sales soared. Meanwhile, The Cold Goodbye languished on the not-so-bestseller list, even though it was a slightly better-written book.
Oil prices were quite high during most of 2006, and blame was laid at the feet of Halliburton, George W. Bush, Capricorn One, unscrupulous Arab sheiks, Iraq, and Mel Gibson. When gas prices fell, blame was passed on to the Democrats, who won back much coveted seats in the House and Senate. The Democrats, not used to taking such abuse, quickly passed the blame onto Karl Rove, who smiled smugly. He always does that…
2006 marked the deaths of several old people, some of whom were former presidents. The North Koreans tested their first thermonuclear device, which turned out to actually be a dreidel and a Black Cat. Immigration worries in the United States caused several people to consider building a fence a few meters in length to help curb the illegal influx of aliens into Area 51. Fidel Castro contracted a brutal cold and while under recovery, set his twin brother Raoul–who looks EXACTLY LIKE HIM–in power. The CIA, unsure of how to proceed, aborted a planned Gulf of Cows invasion.
A bunch of Russian spies and statesmen met their demise at the hands of the avian flu; the KGB claims to have no working knowledge of or pill form of the disease. Iran continued to flout its Iranian-ness, and former President Ronald Reagan rose from the dead briefly to deliver a moving elegy for former President Gerald Ford, who was not eaten by rabid wolves. Genocide, or possibly Kofi Annan, festered in various African nations, prompting the UN to say, “Whatever.” Bono, lead singer of the band known as WeAreUS2 and famous Africa-lover, sang The Bribes Go Marching In (Your Pockets)” to help raise money for Katrina victims, who after two years, still hadn’t decreased the level of debauchery displayed at Mardi Gras, even though the French Quarter was still technically “under water” and “disease ravaged.”
Denmark suddenly got some press by publishing cartoons depicting Muhammed in various nudie poses. Islamists were understandably upset, but then were given a year’s supply of Hagen-Daaz ice cream, and the furor and beheadings decreased noticeably. However, the housing market continued to sag like a middle-aged man’s midsection, causing an increase in the use of anti-depressants and anti-gay rhetoric in middle class households.
Pluto lost its planet status, leading to more beheadings, and a British terror plot to force the airlines to serve better food on flights failed dramatically, leading to reduced comfort and security and an increase in the amount of gels, liquids, or sprays delivered to US landfills. Contributing to the general level of unease in the country and the world was spinach, which decided to become a deadly toxin for a few weeks. Migrant worker wages were reduced from $.05 per hour to $.03 as whole spinach crops were ignited in the streets and bushels of innocent produce was dragged from its refridgerated grocery shelves and destroyed. National morale was at its lowest.
However, the day after Thanksgiving, traditionally called Black Christmas, reignited the souls of US citizens everywhere, causing people to kill each other in fits of Playstation 3 related patriotism. Zeal increased as the year wound down. Republicans staunchly defended their big-government, pork-spending, corruption-tolerating ways, Democrats attacked Libertarians’ power-lusting, environment-touting ways, and Donald Trump gave moralism a boost by telling off Rosie O’Donnell and Miss Teen USA in one week.
It was, as you can see, not a very interesting year. Which makes 2007 all the more important, for if the future of this nation is to be secure, safe, and fun, we must first ensure that our years are at least worth writing about. While the nation remains divided on the best way to go about doing so, it is united against terrorism, e. Coli, and a bloated federal government. The future looks about as good as it ever has, thanks to a blooming good start to the greatest 2007 ever.