I probably should have mentioned that the next couple of weeks will be light on blogging, for several reasons which will be enumerated below. But first, a note about what I’ve been up to lately, since it figures elaborately into the main discourse below. I’ve been working to finish up what I can with the Floyd site, and though I’m missing a few payments from Essejnet (Floyd pays Essejnet, Essejnet pays me as a sub-contractor), I’m not foolish enough to consider that my problem. Lately I’ve been really diving into the freelance job searching–something I’ve been doing for the past month and a half but with less diligence than lately. It’s something I desperately want to continue–without freelance the simple fact is my creative output dwindles considerably. Regular writing dies. Film aspirations asphyxiate. I become sad.
Here’s where I’ve always struggled to maintain an open honesty with myself. It can grow easy to delude yourself into thinking you’re being honest with yourself, when in fact you are glossing over the true state of things. I’ve wondered from time to time: am I a lazy person? The answer, while not as black and white as it could be, is more so than I’d like it to be. I’ve decided that I am not lazy: when I’m working on projects that I’ve taken under my wing. When I’m labouring under someone else’s objectives, I find I do as little as possible without falling short of the bare minimum requirements, and will do just enough not to get caught at not doing anything. My ingenuity and intelligence means I can get away with quite a bit, and even if I am found out, I can come up with some explanation that makes reasonable sense.
The few times I have found myself working hard under someone’s employ, I realize that it’s not because I care about the client–it’s because I care about the work. Lately, I’ve found myself working two different jobs, one paying, one not (the pay was minimal). Nevertheless, I found myself caught up in each particular assignment, loving nearly every step of the process. It was something I found myself thinking about at night trying to sleep, and wanting to continue work on it far longer than I legitimately could.
Contrariwise, I have worked on projects where the drudgery seemed to descend almost immediately. I would comprehend the boredom factor rising even before beginning the initial stages of work, and before the end, extend the project, not out of love, but of utter disinterest. Even though a few night’s worth of work would suffice to complete it, I had no energy, no motivation for it, and so the work would persist long after it was necessary.
I’ve been considering quite a few career objectives lately, for the simple reason that my overhead no longer outweighs my relax time. I’m a pretty lax person to begin with, so for me to say that is definitely a sign of distress. Translation: it’s coming down to the wire, folks. Money is, shall we say, something I see little of these days. And yet I’m not hobo poor, which is a gentle way of saying that I’m in debt, but not in poverty, and my income flow isn’t more than my outflow. Taxes were high again this year, since I was unable to sock away extra income (with my current inflow the concept is as alien as investing), which could be used for paying last year’s taxes. Instead they’re being used to buy PB&J. Which isn’t a bad thing. I love the peanut butter. But something’s gotta give.
And here’s where the honesty hurts. I’ve been deluding myself for too long, assuring myself that it would turn around, if I only had patience. Things haven’t turned around. I’m deep in debt, and I’ll be lucky to make rent and pay all my bills at the end of this month. Seriously, it’s a position I’ve led myself toward from the moment I allowed myself to believe in the illusion of a free lunch. As such, it’s my job to work to extract myself from it.
Beginning tomorrow, most extracurricular activities outside of my current obligations (both paid and unpaid) go on standby. Standby. Temporary. I have to tell myself that, or the road ahead looks too dark. And I sincerely believe that it is indeed only temporary. And, beginning tomorrow, I will begin the search for a job–that is, a corporate, or at least secure employment which will provide stable income.
I’ve been working at solidifying my portfolio so that potential employers will understand that I’m not a talentless hack. Because if the last eight months have taught me anything, it’s that I do have some gift for what I love most–writing and directing in a film environment. I’ve had numbers of people tell me so, and though I don’t usually believe the first person who comes along, when you keep hearing the same things over and over, you tend to give credence to it. I’m thankful for the people who have encouraged me thus far–you’ve been more blessing than you know. I’m here in Los Angeles, the heart of all that I want to be, and to let it go at this point would be an exercise in futility, not to mention totally disheartening. But even this hiatus is a blow, and I will miss my work thus far on my own personal creative projects, even if it is only for a little while.
So, I hope you will forgive my shortcomings–they’ve brought me to this point, and it is indeed of my own doing. With hard work and a bit of perseverence, I may yet turn things around. This is a hard not to choke back bit, but it is something that must be to correct my current path. Adieu.