I am aggressively pursuing buying a home. In the current market, and given my current location, this means roughly $666,000, give or take a few thousand. Incidentally, that figure also doubles as the phone number for Hell’s customer support center. If Hell had a customer support, that is. I sincerely doubt it’s any good.
HARRY: Hey, it’s really hot, and I have these worms of fiery death biting me and crawling in and out of various bodily orifices. Is there…is there anything you can do for me here?
WORMSCREW, SUPPORT STAFF 666: Let’s see. Harry T. Peters. You were basically good when you were still alive, if I’m reading your file right.
HARRY: Yeah, yeah! Totally good. Straight as an arrow.
WORMSCREW: Okay. Oh wait. Hmmm.
HARRY: What?
WORMSCREW: What’s this mail fraud note? You went through people’s garbage and used their social security numbers to get free credit cards?
HARRY: What? That? No, that’s a mistake. Gotta be. Look man, I’m really dying here. You gotta do something about these harpies…
WORMSCREW: Oh, and this says you loved yourself more than your fellow man. That’s your problem.
HARRY: Look, all I’m asking is for a little relief. Is there anything I can do about it? I’m serious, these scorpion stings are breaking out into flaming pustules of leprosy. I think I can see the inside of my torso.
WORMSCREW: Well, that sounds distinctly like you denied Christ. And you were a vegetarian.
HARRY: Well I’ll be damned.
WORMSCREW: That about sums it up.
Still, it’s better than AOL. I once called AOL. Not because I was a customer, but because I got one of those free discs and I wanted to find out if I could get removed from their mailing list. I told them I didn’t want any more frisbees. They weren’t amused. But I stopped getting those cd’s.
I’m at day 28 of my freelance indentured servitude. It was originally a month-long tenure, but I was sick for two days, throwing my guts up into my toilet, which was a fun experience, and set me back by two days. Freelancers don’t get no sick days, like my daddy used to say. And it’s true. So I have to make up for ‘em. Which means I’m on til Monday. I’ve been offered a chance to go fulltime with the company, but I haven’t received an official offer yet. I’m praying about it and considering what might convince me to go with them. I might do it if the money’s right, because they also offer health benefits, which is a big bonus for me. But a lot will depend too on whether what they offer matches or exceeds what I currently make freelancing.
The nice thing about freelance work is you make your own schedule. The downside is your paycheck makes its own schedule, usually about the time you’re running out of your last paycheck. Which means you’re constantly on the downward slope, and getting ahead in the money game is about as difficult as going uphill on a bobsled (obligatory Olympic reference quota now a quarter way satisfied). Ultimately my decision will be as mercenary as I can manage. Natch, I will inform you when it happens.
The blog-a-versary celebration was filled with vodka and Veronica Mars. Much fun was had, and the martini gave me a nice buzz, due to the extra vodka I used for the affair. I think I could love vodka martinis for only the simple reason that they afford me the opportunity to ingest gigantic green olives the size of bubonic boils. You don’t know what a pleasure that can be, if you are in the right mood. Of course I love them for other reasons. That’s just reason #128.
How’d you celebrate?