I’m running low on fuel tonight. Lack of sleep from the night before has drained me, so I’ll leave you with this chintzy McSweeney-esque top 15 movie lines that don’t exist. And I’m not just trying to be funny here – some of these are legitimate, at least I think so, and it’s not just because I came up with ‘em either.
Okay, yes it is. Shut up and read.
15.
ROBERT: Are you happy?
EILEEN: I’m not exhilarated. I don’t wake up facing a new destiny each morning.
14.
MR. ANDERSON: There’s more to life than basketball, son. One day you’re going to wake up and wish you had worn that bookbag more than your team uniform.
JAMAL: But by then I could hire a tutor. Maybe I could hire you.
MR. ANDERSON: You couldn’t afford me. I only teach kids who want to learn. The rest of them lose themselves in the ceiling tile.
JAMAL: I can’t help it I’m tall. So God gave me a gift for dunking. Think I’m going to waste it reading?
13.
MIME: I’m not crazy! You sit in an office for ten hours every day drinking lattes through your ass and putting action items on your PDA for the next Junior League Managerial Bullshit Session. Me? I pull imaginary ropes and scare small children. Who’s crazy, huh?
12.
FALSOM: Make it count. You’re already on your second life.
BUDDY: (walking away) I already put it on Been There Done That.
FALSOM: He’s a two hundred to one shot! You just wasted everything you’ve worked for!
BUDDY: You forget I’ve already done this already.
FALSOM: So that’s…Fate sure is funny.
11.
JENNIFER: You had me at “I f**kin’ love you, even if you are a stupid whore.”
10.
VICE COP: He don’t deserve to live.
LAWYER: What, your mother didn’t breast feed you either?
9.
VINCE: Come on Johnny Rockets, come on! Run those little pipe cleaners!
8.
MR. SHARKEY: Did we do all this? I thought we had a little more restraint.
DEPUTY: No sir. He was like this when we found him.
MR. SHARKEY: Take him back to the tank and clean him up. I don’t want him coughin’ up blood on my new shirt if I have to talk personal with him.
7.
CARRINGTON: You have no idea what you did to me when you left. I changed my name. My life was a mess. Everything fell apart.
WILLIAM: I’m sorry.
CARRINGTON: How can men do the things they do to us?
WILLIAM: She waved a Snickers bar at me. With no clothes on! What was I supposed to do?
6.
PIPER: My wife is dead these eight years and she comes to me every night, every night since I got this case. You know what she says to me?
GEFFON: I don’t know, chief.
PIPER: Nothing! She don’t say a God DAMN THING! Woman wouldn’t shut up the entire time we’re married, now she just stands there like a mute. This guy has put everything we know upside down. We don’t catch him, we don’t get to go home. That’s it. He stays with us and we can never close up, never turn out the lights, because he’ll always be with us. So you send out that APB and get the new photo out on the wire. We’re not going home tonight. Not while he’s still loose. Not while he’s got my wife out making me feel guilty every night.
5.
WYATT: Ready?
KOOP: Ready.
WYATT: Time to dance.
4.
STEPHANIE: He didn’t get a second chance. He never got to stare death in the face and walk away. He didn’t even get the dignity of seeing the sunlight. He left this note, and all I’ve got is a memory of someone I never knew.
3.
VAL: There’s a certainty in dying slowly, the constant feeling that staying alive is just out of your reach, and though you try, you try so hard, it lies there on the ground, and you watch yourself walk away.
2.
MINXY: I never knew him to squeal, Boss. He just talked funny and smoked those smelly cigars.
BOSS FISCHER: No, he was the one.
MINXY: What are you gonna do?
BOSS FISCHER: Send him a note, along with a nice Habana, with my regards. And Minxy. Don’t leave any evidence this time. I’d hate to waste a box of my finest on you too.
1.
FREDDIE: I can’t do it, Sam!
SAM: If those two little hobbits can make it all the way to Mt. Doom, you can at least make it to the corner without falling out. C’mon, race ya!