My weekend started out, as weekends often do, in a rush and flurry of last-minute packing. Let’s review the list: 1) Knew about trip to the Bay back in November 2004. Check. 2) Planned to get clothes packed the night before. Check. 3) Didn’t. Check.
In fact, I broke every New Year’s resolutions, save one, by procrastinating on my self-imposed packing assignment until five minutes before leaving. True, I had clothes stuffed in a backpack, but no toiletries or miscellaneous items like my camera, wallet, keys, or moleskine book. I didn’t have my laptop packed. I didn’t have my pillow or sleeping bag rolled and ready. And I hadn’t gotten together a small collection of DVDs.
Nevertheless, I somehow managed to put everything together in a record packing time of 3 minutes 22 seconds, giving me the remainder to print out directions. Out of paper, of course. Why didn’t I think of this before?! So I steal some from my roommate’s printer, dash off a quick copy. Whilst I’m doing this, my ride arrives. Computer shut down, lights off, ensure alarm clock is set to OFF. It has this annoying feature whereby it will not stop announcing its alarm time after, say an hour. No, it continues to go off until Doomsday if you let it.
Everything seems five by five (a cool phrase I learned a long time ago from the original Alien; I can use it now with the additional advantage of knowing that my chest won’t be bursting outward with the sudden gestation of a tiny, toothy creature in a few moments). Dash in the car with my companions Evil Rainey (aka Kevin) and Abe Gillespie (aka Abe), and we’re off like a herd of turtles in a snowstorm.
Speaking of herds of unlikely animals…Beltway traffic wasn’t too bad. We managed to get as far as Bethesda before nearly running out of gasoline. I mentioned off hand that Greg Piper lived in the general area, and as Washington DC’s helpful road signs for utilities, facilities, and other travel needs seemed to have all been stolen by the Bush administration for use in assisting illegal immigrants as they attempt to discover their way inside our country, we decided to call him up and inquire about fuel and food.
NB: It is now painfully (if not somewhat humourously) obvious to both Greg and myself that the frequency of our “chance” meetings over the past month has caused several of our respective readers to seriously question, if not outright disagree with, our professed sexual orientations (ie, heterosexual with a capital HETERO). In other words, we’re prime candidates to host our own Queer Blog for the Straight Dawg show, complete with frilly references to Andrew Sullivan, blog fashion advice, and a complete coffee-lover’s guide to Seattle and DC coffee shops.
At least, in those persons’ minds.
Instead of trying to convince every Jane and Joe of Greg’s and my heterosexuality (killing the ambiguity only ruins the fun), I will offer a list of love tips that will have any member of the opposite sex in your general vicinity blushing with pleasure, eyes shining bright with amore and jealousy as they gouge each others eyes out in their attempts to be near you.
But, first, an explanation of why.
Being in desperate need of fuel, I called Greg up at home (after Evil advised me to) to find out where the nearest gas station was and where we might find food cheap and fast. Of course, Greg was home. On a Friday night.
Has anyone here seen Newsies? Okay musical, fun movie. One song is entitled “Seize the Day”, and ought to be every single guy’s motto, creed, daily affirmation, and discipline. Seize the day means that when I call Greg up at 7:45pm on a Friday night, he should not be picking up the phone because he is not at home; instead, he is out on the town, meeting women who want to party. That’s seize the day.
And so, without Greg’s permission or assent, I humbly dedicate the following list to him and his love life, which sorely needs a shot in the arm.
1. Meeting people requires going to where the people are. Most likely, they’re not in your double bedroom apartment…on a Friday night.
2.Learn your ABCDEFG’s: Leave Apartment. Go to Bar(s). Take woman back to Car. Drive to decent restaurant. Enjoy food and one (1) glass of wine with her. Forget you’re unemployed at the moment. Give her a reason to see you again.
3. Bars are where old men go to drink, young women go to taunt and flaunt, and young men go to destroy every misconception young women have about men. Most young men are too caddish to actually succeed. Where they have failed, you will triumph.
4. There’s a college nearby. You know someone who goes to school there. Get her number. Ask her out. Or at least, find out where the good parties are.
5. Your expertise is in politics, journalism, and coffee. Where might you find like-minded women?
6. You think you’re not that attractive. Rule #23 of personal attraction is there is always someone less attractive than you. And you almost always underestimate yourself.
7. Confidence is spelled B-A-L-L-S.
8. Pickup lines are a definite no-no. Unless it’s really, really, really, frickin’ good. And even then, it’s a long shot.
9. I told you already: you’re not going to find live, heartbeating women in your apartment, and for sure not in front of your computer. I don’t care how much Instapundit loves you. Go! Now!
10. Interpersonal mojo is a must for you to succeed in this game. Use your “mordant wit” to find a conversation hook with a barista.
11. Sometimes, two is better than one. Can you doubleteam it? You’ve got a roommate. He’s not gay, is he? Even if he is, he might be willing to accompany you to a party, bar, or coffee shop.
12. On second thought, nix 11.
13. If you’re reading this list for true wisdom, you may have hit rock bottom. Self-motivation is a problem. Get out of your slump, break the streak, do what you gotta do to stop reading this list and hit the streets.
14. Prostitution doesn’t count.
15. Write down your goal. Your goal is: “I will meet two women in the next two days.” People who write down their goals are some percentage more likely to meet them than those who don’t write anything down.
I’ll conclude Part 1 by saying that, despite the fact that Greg was, in fact, home on a Friday evening, it was a pleasure to see him again and even though I was in shorts and it was below freezing, I feel confident that he can take the list above with some certainty of success.
After grabbing a coffee, we said our goodbyes and hopped back onto the freeway and headed on into the night.