I can’t help but feel I am missing something when I read this article. It’s saying that being married is better than being single. I dunno there. My parents had 30 years of marital bliss end after several affairs, a drug problem, and eventually, a divorce (I say ‘marital bliss’ in utter sarcasm, in case you missed it). Other persons in my family are currently enjoying a painful introduction into the world of infidelity. Not to mention my grandparents, several uncles and aunts, and other extended relatives.
What is it about marriage that I find distasteful, or rather, what is it that I fear? I don’t know, could it be…THE ABSOLUTE PAIN AND HORROR OF RELATIONSHIPS?
Speaking in generalities, I can say with some certainty that the prospect of marriage is not frightening. It’s just that society has us engineered to expect disaster. Look at the facts, and then look at reality. 50% of marriages end in divorce? So what–that’s a number, a useless, neutered statistic. But I look at my family, and others’ families, and I think, “Me? Do that? Forget it!” Because it’s more than just numbers.
When you’re a kid, it’s the realization that you won’t be going home anymore. It’s your dad’s house, or your mom’s house. It’s “weekend” dad or mom that you get to see once a week and on holidays. It’s forgetting all the fighting they did and remembering just the good times…and then realizing that all of it’s gone forever. It’s never truly knowing why–oh, they explain how it was, but that’s something you’ll never quite grasp; the nuances of mom and dad’s marriage were always just one step removed from your childhood.
And then you’re an adult. Holidays are always split up between two places. Phone calls are more infrequent. One of them moves far away. Then they come to you, usually through email or the phone, to say how sorry things went, and how they would have changed things if they could. You begin to see threads of connection between what your parents did and what’s now happening to others in your family. You see mistakes repeated, the “sins of the fathers” in effect bigtime. You can’t comprehend the stupidity of what others choose to do, because their feelings are greater than their commitment.
There can be great marriages, there’s no doubt. But from my seat, those are the exceptions rather than the rule.
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I would never be so brazenly single minded as to say marriage is better than being single but I will admit there is something to be said for the “ABSOLUTE PAIN AND HORROR OF RELATIONSHIPS”. As I see it life is one experience of suffering after another and we learn more about ourselves as the dust settles on each experience. Yes there are moments of happiness within these times but the suffering is what really builds our character. Being married offers so many opportunities to experience this. Having to daily face into your own selfishness and make conscious decisions that are better for another person than for yourself is the most challenging and rewarding experience I have ever had. Can you have these experiences outside of marriage? Sure, but it sure does speed up the process when you are married. However you are right that this is more the exception than the rule but we are rational thinking idividuals who have all the opportunity in the world to choose to be the exception, granted this takes work, but if you aren’t afraid of hard work and some sacrifice there is nothing to fear in marriage.
I certainly don’t fear marriage, or think it’s *bad*. However, I certainly can’t see marriage as a way to better yourself (as the author of the article seems to be saying), or even as a way to make you grow up faster. It just is what it is, that’s all.
That article would be scary and disturbing if I couldn’t help but laughing out loud at how blatantly that guy was TRYING to piss people off. Which quickly made it difficult to take him at all seriously. I’ll offer up my own counterpoint though – He says single people don’t know what they are missing. Well neither do married people (if he gets to make generalizations, so do I :)). Why does the grass have to be greener on either side of the fence? I think it’s yellow on one side and blue on the other and personal preference dictates which is better. Though if you are a Christian, the Bible tells you which is better. 1 Corinthians 7 says that it’s better to be single, though if you struggle with self control it’s better to be married than to burn with lust.
So singleness is a good thing. And a certain degree of reservation towards marriage is, I think, also a good thing.
I had a recent conversation with a co-worker, in which the following exchange took place:
Them: “Feta Cheese is disgusting!”
Me: “No it’s not, it’s delicious!”
Marriage, like Feta Cheese, is right for some personalities and wrong for others.
Incidentally, I found your website searching google for “clown who kills people.”
How fun! Now, curiousity makes me question why you were searching for that phrase in particular?