She could only close her eyes and the tears would fall as sorrowful rain; she knew it the instant he looked at her that her life was shattered. From that moment all things good and familiar were dashed heartlessly to the ground and something new built up, a wall, cold, hard, impenetrable.
He stared hard. His breath had grown shallow; everyone could hear him as he rattled mercilessly in his throat. His eyes were hard, glassy and barely concealed absolute horror and a furious anger that threatened to spill out from the edge. His jaw set on edge and he had grown imperceptibly taller.
?What did you say?? he said with a dull anger, quietly. Lindsay could feel her heart, and the surrounding noises of nature were curiously intrusive now, as if by design they now prevented her from thinking rationally. The blackbird, one of the first, perhaps, shook its head at her and raised its voice in mawkish judgment. The few insects out raised their alarm at her misspoken admission; a June bug buzzed its unwelcome displeasure in her wrongdoing, and signaled to its mate which sawed loudly in contempt. Even the wind had sensed the critical moment and had ceased to blow, listening carefully at the measured nuances of Stuart?s dangerous quietude.
She sensed all this in the breakneck speed of a thought; the very pungent quickening of her defenses came alive and she cast her eyes down and shrank imperceptibly.
?What in God?s name did you just say?? Stuart said, this time taking a small step forward. Lindsay responded in kind, retreating from his suddenly frightening frame. She had feared this moment above all others, never allowing herself to imagine the heights to which Stuart?s anger might rise. She had only briefly guessed at the sorrow her admission might bring, but that even she limited herself to thinking?it was inevitable, she knew; she had known from the beginning, yet somehow had convinced herself it would not expose itself, or if it did, only in the capacity of comfort and innocuousness, leaving her protected and unhurt.
Though the initial moment of sheer terror had passed, she still feared inwardly, and shrank further. Charles said something, but she had possessed herself, ignoring the outside world and taking stock of her heart. She felt its great energy and heat, arising from the increased excitement and consequential motion. Inside that, she knew, a rupture unseen, a thin cut had suddenly exploded into a massive fault. It was as if a dam had broken and now the stored emotion from the months of hiding was awash in a terrible flood.
Stuart was close to her now, but his face and hands seemed veiled in mist. Everything around him was gray and vague, and he was growing cloudy. She knew it was the end. The sound had ceased, except the pounding in her breast and the strange volume of the silence in her head that overwhelmed all; she remained bent slightly, cowering almost, yet upright as no defensive animal would allow; remorseful yet strong. She felt this, and then, as if it had never happened, Stuart turned sharply and walked quickly toward the gate of the village.
The moment had passed, and now her entire body cried for release. Restrained no more, she relinquished and sank into herself. Wave upon wave of sadness and regret converted into tears as she covered her eyes and cried.
?Oh?my God?Charles?? she wept. She felt arms encircle her and she knew instantly that Charles was upholding her. How she longed for sleep! In the confusion and fear she had suddenly experienced something she felt few people ever know. It was strange. A part of her was separate from all of this. It was keeping very quiet and still, but observant. Stranger still, her self that thought of this other part knew she was watching her. She beheld herself in this manner, seeing the weight of time and a shadow of some unseen thing, like a mountain or great door; her face was darkened with its presence, and her quiet self saw this and saw the beads of light that were sweeping around her. She saw them too, and wondered what it was, wishing she knew what her other self knew.
She felt herself being guided by Charles? hands and strong embrace. Charles shook his head gently. Lindsay heard Francis say ?What?? Charles replied that Francis should go seek out Stuart.
She straightened then, felt a strength returning to her legs and face. She opened her eyes and swept her hair back from her face. Strands had begun to stick from her tears, and she said quietly, ?I think he will want to be alone right now,? but she no longer understood how she spoke or cared. She only wished she were alone, and wondered where her life would end. Nothing mattered anymore. What had become of all those times of triumph? There was a time when she thought they had somehow evaded the rules, escaping judgment. The light times, the times of happiness and pleasure. Intermixed with the dread of Stuart, they were magical, wondrous, heavenly. Now, nothing had changed. The end of the world could come and it would not mean anything more than what had just taken place.
Suddenly, just before she forgot why or even that she had thought it, Lindsay knew that God did not exist.
She looked around her and heard Charles and Francis; mumbling it seemed to her, and she turned and faced the empty sky behind, and below it, the empty sea. The two empties, she thought, and I?m bigger than either. What is there to do now that all is done? What does it mean that I am no longer alive?
Francis shuffled off in the direction Stuart had taken. She knew this because it was what Charles would have her do, and because she knew Charles so well she could tell him what they must do, and he would agree.
She faced him now, and he turned toward her, a sad look in his eye, and she said quietly, ?Let?s talk about what to do.? He nodded and they got in the car, leaving the doors open.